The Subway - Tip #5 Your Ticket On Board

No doubt, there will be a line to buy a subway ticket. The machines are there for a reason, and why people stand in line to buy from the person behind the window, I still have no idea, because not only do they not care where you are going, but they sure as hell don't care if you get there. They are so miserable with their jobs, they want to make sure every one else is too. So....

Tip #5 - Learn how to buy your ticket, on your own

While you are in line waiting to buy a ticket, pay attention. The people in front of you are very familiar with how to do this, so take notes and don't just stand in line picking your ass, watch what others are doing so when it is your turn, you don't stand there like an idiot reading each screen like if you push the wrong button, the machine will blow up, because, well, it won't. What will blow up are the people's tempers behind you who have no time to wait for you to figure out how to use this crazy looking machine that takes your money and spits out a ticket.

If you are in one of the few stations during those few times of day where the machines don't have any lines and there aren't any people around, then by all means, feel free to stand there and read all the fine print. I recommend doing this in the early morning, definitely before 6am, prior to rush hour on weekdays or at night, between 8-10pm when all other tourists are sitting in a broadway show or enjoying dinner.

Bottom line, pay attention

The Subway - Tip #4 Don't Stop

The worst thing you can do when you go down into the subway system is to stop walking. Whoa boy, watch out because you WILL be run over and pushed. So there is your warning, so when you stop and get pushed, don't get pissed and don't go starting a yelling match, because I'm hear to tell you, YOU WERE WRONG.

Tip #4 - Don't Stop Moving

You are surrounded by people who know where they are going, how to maneuver through crowds, and have no patience for tourists.

Before you go underground, know where you need to go, or at least know what train you are looking for so you can continually move while looking for the right sign to the right train. Oh, and while you are above ground looking at the map trying to figure out what train you need to take, make sure you have pulled off to the side of the sidewalk and are not the idiots standing in the middle of the walkway holding up a huge subway map looking for your destination, because again, here is your warning, you will get pushed, shoved and possibly spit on.

Or, better yet, put down the map, and ask a very nice stranger walking next to you how to get to your exciting new tourist attraction. Because of this, they will not push you, shove you or spit on you.

Happy Travels

The Subway - Tip #3 You Smell

Don't assume you don't stink. When you are in a train full of people, especially after seeing a Yankee game for example, just know...

Tip #3 - You Stink

Wear deodorant, bring extra deodorant, and do whatever it is you need to do to not smell, because you do, you smell bad.

However, do NOT cover yourself in perfume or cologne, ugghhh, it gives people a headache, and by people I mean me. Deodorant will be just fine. And for those of you coming from places that don't believe or use this thing called deodorant, then go to the nearest drug store and pick up your first stick, because you stink, and we shouldn't have to suffer.

The Subway - Tip #2 Rush Hour

Whoa boy, this is one of those posts that are really for those who live in the city. Rush Hour sucks, and we all know it. But here's a secret that millions just can't see to catch onto.

Tip #2 Another Train is Coming

I understand that when you see a train, you think, oh my god, if I don't catch this train, I'll NEVER get home. Well, I'm here to tell you that, YES YOU WILL. There is another train coming, and you know what? During rush hour, they actually run more often, so another train will come, in just a few minutes.

Stop pushing, stop squeezing and stop thinking that you getting home is more important than the person next to you getting home. If it's really that important, then take a taxi, or buy a car.

Otherwise, deal with the fact that everyone is trying to go home after work and there aren't enough cars or space for everyone to fit on that ONE train. So take a deep breath (well, not that deep, especially during the summer when everyone smells like ass) and relax.

The Subway - Tip #1 Don't Be Scared

The biggest thing I hear when people are visiting NYC is that they are afraid to use the Subway because they think they will get lost. Hahahahahaha, I just laugh.

Tip #1 - You Can't Get Lost

Think about it this way, a subway train runs 2 ways, the way its headed and the opposite way its headed. If you got on the train and suddenly found yourself in Queens, get out of the train, and go to the opposite side and head back the way you came.

Just make sure you get on the same train number or letter. ie if you 'got lost' on the N train, then take the N train back.

But you can't get lost. You can either go north east south or west, so if you headed west and oops, wrong direction, then you know what? Go east.

It's not that hard. So stop wasting money in cabs and take the plunge under ground. Get on the subway and 'get lost'