The Plane - Tip #4 Travelling Children

I travelled with my little one when she was 2 months and just recently at 11 months. What a whole different bag of worms, but that's for another post.

Tip #4 - Kids come first

You may not have kids, and that's OK, but just know that the elderly, children and those will disabilities come first. Don't be the ass that pushes in front of a mom with 2 kids trying to get her kids on the plane in a safe and timely manner that will allow her to get them settled and her to maybe, just maybe pick up that book that she has been wanting to read for the past 9 months.

'nuff said

The Plane - Tip #3 Don't Push

This one really gets me because no matter what kind of line anyone stands in, people get stupid.

Tip #3 - Pushing doesn't make you go any faster

Why is it that when the plane is ready to board, everyone jumps up at the same time and stands in line, which because every one is in line, the line goes so far back that it seemed silly to stand up in the first place.

Also, let's say Group 1 is called, why do all the people in groups 2-4 also stand up and walk over to pretend they are standing in line, creating a big cluster, which causes confusion for those who really do want to stand in line?

Picture this, you are sitting there waiting to board your flight, the gates open and you are called. You stand, walk casually over to the attendant, hand over your ticket and casually walk onto the walkway leading to your plane. Never gonna happen if you continually try to pull this crap of budging and pushing.

Pushing in line doesn't get you there faster, budging in line gets you on the plane faster but doesn't get the plane off the ground faster, all it does is gets you on a stuffy plane, that smells like bathroom, sitting on the aisle, getting pushed by bags, arms, people and children trying to find their seat.

Relax, the plane will not leave with out you, enjoy your time in the terminal because it's much better than the plane and stop pushing, because, well, it's rude.

The Plane - Tip #2 Don't Arrive Late

Ok, I'm going to make this easy.

Tip #2 - Arrive earlier than planned

I'm sure my father will be thrilled with this post. A man that always arrives 3 hours early to assure that he will make his flight, just in case there's traffic, or long lines or something else that I can't even think of. And as someone who travelled with him often, I'll tell you that the previous post was tough because boy, I had to not only keep myself occupied for the 3 hours prior to the flight, but then I had to figure out what I was going to do up in the air.

As silly as this seems, and as boring as it is to sit in an airport, you will be much better off than running through the terminal knocking people down and looking like a moron. So even though 3 hours may be a bit much, shoot for 2. The heart attack waiting in the wings, will have to wait just a bit longer. So sit in the nearest bar and enjoy watching all the other people running to catch their flights.

The Plane - Tip #1 Packing Sucks

Because I just found myself in the bowels of the Midwest (Oklahoma) and took a plane to get there, I thought this would be the perfect time to talk about how people suck when they travel. So in order to avoid annoying me, which should be at the top of every one's list, then please note....

Tip #1 - Don't Over Pack

Now, I realize that I spent a year and a half of my life on the road, travelling with a touring company, and believe me, when you are responsible for every single item that you want to get from point A to point B, you don't tend to carry a lot of stuff. Because I got really good with this, I want people to understand something,

You don't need every single outfit in your closet. You don't need all of your makeup supplies, you don't need multiple shoes and you sure as hell don't need every DVD in your collection to keep your self occupied. So here is the best way to explain for the majority of people. You know how there is this rule for every closet? ie You must have that one black dress, or pair of black pants, you must have that one pair of black high heels and at least one suit. Think of your time to travel as the time to pack those musts. We all know you never know what kind of mood you will be in on any particular day, well women are like that anyway, but get over it, back your necessities, and move on.

In the end, when you don't have to pay $25 per bag or wait at the baggage claim for other people to put your bag on a conveyor belt, you will be much happier, and in turn, so will I.

The Subway - Tip #5 Your Ticket On Board

No doubt, there will be a line to buy a subway ticket. The machines are there for a reason, and why people stand in line to buy from the person behind the window, I still have no idea, because not only do they not care where you are going, but they sure as hell don't care if you get there. They are so miserable with their jobs, they want to make sure every one else is too. So....

Tip #5 - Learn how to buy your ticket, on your own

While you are in line waiting to buy a ticket, pay attention. The people in front of you are very familiar with how to do this, so take notes and don't just stand in line picking your ass, watch what others are doing so when it is your turn, you don't stand there like an idiot reading each screen like if you push the wrong button, the machine will blow up, because, well, it won't. What will blow up are the people's tempers behind you who have no time to wait for you to figure out how to use this crazy looking machine that takes your money and spits out a ticket.

If you are in one of the few stations during those few times of day where the machines don't have any lines and there aren't any people around, then by all means, feel free to stand there and read all the fine print. I recommend doing this in the early morning, definitely before 6am, prior to rush hour on weekdays or at night, between 8-10pm when all other tourists are sitting in a broadway show or enjoying dinner.

Bottom line, pay attention

The Subway - Tip #4 Don't Stop

The worst thing you can do when you go down into the subway system is to stop walking. Whoa boy, watch out because you WILL be run over and pushed. So there is your warning, so when you stop and get pushed, don't get pissed and don't go starting a yelling match, because I'm hear to tell you, YOU WERE WRONG.

Tip #4 - Don't Stop Moving

You are surrounded by people who know where they are going, how to maneuver through crowds, and have no patience for tourists.

Before you go underground, know where you need to go, or at least know what train you are looking for so you can continually move while looking for the right sign to the right train. Oh, and while you are above ground looking at the map trying to figure out what train you need to take, make sure you have pulled off to the side of the sidewalk and are not the idiots standing in the middle of the walkway holding up a huge subway map looking for your destination, because again, here is your warning, you will get pushed, shoved and possibly spit on.

Or, better yet, put down the map, and ask a very nice stranger walking next to you how to get to your exciting new tourist attraction. Because of this, they will not push you, shove you or spit on you.

Happy Travels

The Subway - Tip #3 You Smell

Don't assume you don't stink. When you are in a train full of people, especially after seeing a Yankee game for example, just know...

Tip #3 - You Stink

Wear deodorant, bring extra deodorant, and do whatever it is you need to do to not smell, because you do, you smell bad.

However, do NOT cover yourself in perfume or cologne, ugghhh, it gives people a headache, and by people I mean me. Deodorant will be just fine. And for those of you coming from places that don't believe or use this thing called deodorant, then go to the nearest drug store and pick up your first stick, because you stink, and we shouldn't have to suffer.